Diary of Lost Souls
by desolate-love
Summary: Captain Jack Harkness never kept a journal. Not until after Ianto died.
1. Gone

"Ianto's gone Jack and there's nothing I can do to bring him home. I'm sorry."

Those were the last words I ever heard Gwen Cooper say. I haven't seen her in almost a year, but I can't get her voice out of my head. One part of that sentence keeps coming back, no matter how hard I try to forget it.

Just one part.

I'm trying not to let it consume me, but it doesn't help that I'm alone now.

No more Tosh or Owen. No more Suzie or Gwen. No more Doctor.

The most importantly, oh, so important;

No more coffee. No more suits.

No more _him._

**_

* * *

_Just so there is no confusion, all of these chapters are pages in Jacks journal unless stated otherwise.  
**


	2. The Same

It's never happily ever after when you live at Torchwood. Every day is like a lifetime, and every lifetime like dying in slow-motion. When you're like me, everything goes by so slowly but so fast at the same time.

Inside the Hub you can hear the rainfall outside. The small drops wearing out the lives of the stone above my head.

I really wish I would die. I've tried; oh believe me, so many ways. Every time I get dragged back into existence, my energy flooding back into me and my heart beating once more into a brand new, yet heart breaking-ly same life.

Life - Death

Life - Death

Life - Death

Torchwood.

My life is one big suicide.


	3. Survival

Sometimes in the dead of night

I swear I can hear him whisper.

Loud enough to wake me,

Yet quiet enough to make me

Wonder.

What if he's not gone?

What if he's like me?

If he survived.

But then I remember seeing it.

His still and lifeless body on

The floor beside me.

He looked asleep, I could swear he

Really was. Not dead at all.

Ianto if you're still here,

I'm going to find you.

And if you're not, then I

Guess this really _is_ goodbye.

Badwolf is my curse now too.


	4. Afraid

I feel as if I'm wasting you Ianto.

As if I might run out of chances

To think about you. That maybe, one day,

I won't remember your name.

And it scares me. So much Ianto.

I don't want to forget you. Not now.

Not ever. Please god, just give me one

More day. Just one and I'll be happy.

Every night I think to myself.

'Tonight's the night that I'll forget. Be ready.'

And then I set out to think only of you Ianto.

Because I'm certain of one thing.

I know that the day I forget your name

Will be the day that I don't have meaning.

The day I lose who I am.

The day I finally, after everything,

Die.


	5. Handwriting

_Ianto you could have done so much better._

_I've started writing in cursive because you thought_

_It looked more formal._

_I still don't get it though, my handwriting_

_Sucks because you never really got to_

_Teach me the perfect way to write like you do. Did._

_Gwen hasn't talked to me in the months since I came back._

_I suppose she has a good reason to._

_Did you hear she had her baby?_

_I suppose you couldn't have._

_It's a boy. Its name is Ianto._

_Maybe that's why she hasn't talked to me. She knows_

_It wouldn't be a good first impression._

_Anyway Ianto,_

_I should get back to reality._

_I found my Doctor again. But he's not_

_The same. I suppose everything is different_

_In the end._


	6. Alone

Hey Ianto,

I was wondering when you were going to come home.

I can't seem to fold my coat like you do.


	7. Symphony

**In my messed up world, this is Ianto's attempt at suicide before he met Jack for the first time. This is my little AU right here.**

* * *

In the dead of night,

While you're contemplating

Your long awaited suicide

You hear a noise.

You think, 'someone else

Coming to take me away'

But you wait,

And no one comes.

So you continue.

You're razor blade on your

Fingertips, and the music

On you iPod on as loud as it gets.

That first cut always hurts

The worst, but you know it

Will go away soon.

But this time, it's too soon.

Wonderful yellow orbs, they cover

Your scars. That's when you hear

Him. And all he says it,

'Nanogenes; they cure angels too.'


	8. Never a Goodnight

Good morning Ianto,

I figures that, wherever you are, you

Deserve to have someone say good morning to you.

I will not stay around to wish you a goodnight

Though.

Goodnight means goodbye.

I wish to say that as least as possible.

Sorry.

One last thing before I

Leave.

Torchwood will drink tea now.


	9. It Helps

**Gwen's journal entry.**

* * *

Ianto;

It's Gwen.

I wanted to tell you that Jack isn't the same person anymore. Not since you died.

He seems to enjoy writing to you though, so I thought I's give it a go.

It really does help.

Everything is different now. It's just me and Jack. We haven't hired anyone else. Jack won't allow it.

Come back Ianto, We all miss you.


	10. Always

Ianto, it's me Jack.

You probably are sick of me by now.

I just wanted to let you know that you are still part of the team here. When you come back you're desk is still the same. I've re-made it in the new Hub. Gwen thinks it's a waste, but I won't let her take it down. She doesn't understand how important it is to keep your desk. It keeps a part of you alive.

I'm still having trouble sleeping Ianto. I wake up every night to your face. Then it vanished and on come the tears. Every night since you died, Ianto. I'm tired right now, but I refuse to drink the coffee Gwen made me this morning. It's horrible and it tastes like death.

If you don't come back to me soon, I think I might die. Not literally unfortunately, that would be a blessing. A true gift from beyond. But I know it's not real. I know that for a fact.

Yours forever. Always.

Capt. Jack Harkness.


	11. Forget

Ianto, I hope you're not alone.

Wherever you are.

You're far too nice to be alone.

Me however, that's a completely different story.

I've been alone my whole life. Up until you came.

Sure, I've had relationships. But I've never really been in love.

I just wish I could let you know somehow, because I never really truly told you how I felt. How I still feel.

When you died you told me you thought I'd forget you.

That's a lie.

The heart never really forgets what it loves.


	12. Never the Best

You wanna know the best thing about life right now Ianto?

The very best thing, ever since you left?

The best thing right now is the hopes that someday ill forget you name.

Someday I will be able to drink coffee again, and learn to make biscuits the way you did.

Someday I'll see a man wearing a vest, and your face won't come to my mind.

I'll be able to hear the word couple and not think of how you adored it.

That's the very best thing in my life right now Ianto,

But the very worst thing?

Knowing that I could never do that.

When I'm offered coffee I'll politely refuse, having the world question why forever.

When I eat biscuits I'll always compare them to yours, and how everyone else's just aren't good enough.

When I see men wearing vests, I won't be able to look at them for long. The memories of you are too painful.

And worst of all, when I hear the word couple… well I'll break down inside; because I know how you loved it, and how I never used it with you.

Ianto the best thing in my life,

Well, I'm not going to let it happen.


	13. Life

Today was yet another day without you, Ianto.

Another day of _life_, except without the living part.

Gwen has given up trying to cheer me up, and I'm glad.

Now she can let me go, and move on in her own life.

I figured that, eventually, she would leave,

It had just taken longer than I thought.

She must have become stronger after so many losses.

I wish I could say the same about myself.

I am weak, Ianto. If I were not immortal,

I would have succumb to suicide ages ago.

Even though, in a sense, I already have.


	14. Water

I swam today.

It was not an ordinary day in the life of Jack Harkness.

If I even deserve that name anymore.

The water was up to my neck, and I could feel the eyes of wanderers on me.

They thought, 'isn't he going to swim out all the way?' or

'he's been standing there forever, someone bring him back to the shore!'

Or even, 'if he's going to kill himself, the bloke's got it all wrong.'

If only they knew how right they were.


End file.
